I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
