dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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