i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
