my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
