I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
