I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Still dying that you shit outside
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize