I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Randomize
