Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
3 2 1 whiskey
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
