i will never coherently bang her
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think my moral compass just broke
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
