she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
