omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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