shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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