it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
