My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So much rum. So many feels.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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