That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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