yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
