gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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