Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
