my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
