Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Randomize
