i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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