question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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