I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
