Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
