im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
