I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
