respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
