we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
