Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
