I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
