Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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