at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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