i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
