I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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