I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
