I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
