i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
