I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
