I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
