i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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