Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
