Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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