Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
