Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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