Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
