Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
