I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
