These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
