And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
