Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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