Don't make out with my wife yet
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
