piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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