I looked at my own cervix.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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