I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
