you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
